Life doesn't stop just because you transition from grief into glory. Pain is still real, and you are still faced with the reality that you are flawed. I am currently walking through the process of refinement. I guess that will never truly end until my Jesus comes back and holds me. It's not that I have all these awful things about myself that just have to change... although I am sure there are plenty of things like that that need to be dealt with. I'm just dealing with the simple stuff, like "do I like me?" Currently, answers to these questions are not something I am big on answering. Letting Jesus love me in spite of myself, and learning to be free in Him is huge. I have the image of what it would be like to really like me, in Him... I can envision the kind of freedom my heart would have, but I'm not there yet. I am awkward, and uncomfortable. I tend to stumble over my words a lot lately. I know the potential I have in Jesus, but over think pretty much everything.
The truth is... I have an amazing life. I am loved by the best man I have ever and will ever meet. I have a wonderful daughter, and beautiful home. My Jesus loves me beyond my understanding, and He made me... just as I am with no expectation that I would ever be better than I am now. Of course, He desires to see me free of my own chains. But He isn't disappointed by my humanity or threatened by the blocks I seem to put up in my own mind. He is still free, loving, able, and tender in His approach of my heart. He will walk me through it, as He has before, and I will see the other side. The grass is always greener when the walk is with the Creator. He knows what He is doing, and I am not about to doubt Him yet. I just have to replace my mindset with His... a process for sure, but something He has given each of us the grace to do... to look beyond ourselves and find the truth of His love staring straight back at us. We are undeniable to Him... He will never turn away or say we are past all hope.
This song came on while I was sitting here processing, and I loved the detail it goes into to explain just how much Jesus loves us. It's a lot less scary to process my heart when I know He isn't afraid to take the time and go there with me.
"i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends"
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends"
