Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Waiting on my destiny... oops...

On Sunday our Jr. High pastor got up to do some simple announcements. The guy is about 3 years younger than me and can easily run circles around me when it comes to authority in the Spirit. I have great respect for him. I can't remember how he got on the topic, but he mentioned a question he tends to ask people when they ask him for a prophetic word. When someone asks for him to speak something "life changing" over them he asks them "What did you do with the last prophetic word someone gave you?" 
I sat on that for a few minutes. I tried to remember the last prophetic words I have been given over the past two years. A lot of them had to do with meeting Clay and being in the very place I am in. Two, however, dealt with my future and were pretty loaded words. I am not going to share what was spoken over me, but I will just say they put major pieces of the puzzle together for me and I have been eagerly waiting for them to pass ever since.
I was sitting in that chair thinking about those words when it hit me. What have I done with the life spoken over me? I've waited. And waited. And waited. I have been waiting and wondering and asking "Lord, when will it be my turn. When is it my time?" I have not however been sowing. I haven't sowed into my destiny. I haven't studied the word like I should or dug in in ways I KNOW would benefit my future.
Everyone wants to be "somebody", and if they don't they are most likely bound by fear or apathy. Most people want to feel like when they reach the end of their lives they have made a difference. My heart is beating in line with the rest of the world. I want to help where I can. I want to have impact where I am supposed to have impact. I want to invest where it is needed. And I want to reach my Father knowing I listened and obeyed.
So now I am sitting in bed realizing that there are a few things I could be doing better. No, I may not be actively moving in the ways spoken over me. I don't even have doors currently open that I simply am not walking through. There is no clear path that is in front of me that I am ignoring. But that doesn't mean it's not coming.
While I may not be "fulfilling my calling" in its fullness, I know that day is coming. I know there will be a day where the Lord says "It's time." The REAL question is, will I be ready? I will have had all this time before a journey begins, and what will I have done with it? Did I prepare myself? No matter how long the wait, did I equip myself so that I was the best I could possibly be? Right now, the answer is pretty dim.
I am not saying that I don't think I am a good person, or a smart person. I don't think I am doing a horrible job in my relationship with Jesus. I don't feel like I am failing my husband or daughter. But am I investing in the yet to come?
I was given two very powerful words of life, that confirmed many already spoken as I have grown up, and the things I felt the Lord speaking to me on my own. I believe certain things will come to pass that I will have the opportunity to be apart of. Now I am asking myself, what am I doing to prepare? He has given me His promise and I have just been doing life as usual waiting for it to drop in my lap. I have not been pursuing Him like I should be, for what could be. That is sad to me. 
Does this make sense? Is this clear enough?
Some of us want to be Drs, teachers, and spouses... are you equipping yourself as best you can for the job you want? Or are you waiting until it is time and just going to "wing" it?
Not too long ago one of my mentors burned a $100 bill right in front of me. Just pulled it out of his pocket and burned it on my kitchen table as Clay as I watched with wide frantic eyes. He was talking to us of the importance of waking and everyday giving our best to Jesus. Each day has purpose and value, and when it passes... it passes. 
I don't want to look back at days, months, or years of individual days and see that they all look like ash. I want to be able to count them and know that I understood their value, and treated them with care.
Father, would you instill in me the discipline to dig deeper. Would you turn my eyes towards you. Would you help me in my weakness, and help me to give you each day as if it were my last. I want to be ready for my future long before it arrives. I want to be walking in the destiny of relationship with You, and let everything else simply be the overflow. Would you help me, Father? Would you help me to shake off the dust and not just sit around waiting for YOU to do something. I don't want to be another clanging cymbal. Help me, Father.